Out of the frying pan, into the Towcester

Written by Joe 'Slim' Brady

Out of the frying pan, into the Towcester

It is no secret that the last few weeks had been difficult for a Sidcup side so accustomed to winning in recent times. The week began with darkened clouds over Crescent Farm as Tuesday training offered the squad a chance to gain closure on what had been a difficult day at Tring and then move towards redemption. It was clear that there would be no quick fix. No content with tipping an opponent on their neck, earning himself a ban, and costing his team the game, the man with the combustible nature of tobasco named Ed “The Basilisk” Velasco decided that the best way to get everyone’s spirits lifted was to play a song in the meeting which taunted a member of the coaching team about their sexuality. He was banished to the Dark Tower and spent 2 hours standing next to Coach Jones for punishment, hence handing the game day microphone to a dangerous MC hailed by Chairman Ian Anderson as the “the illest, coldest mother to ever do it, fresher than a monkey’s breath after eating garlic sauce”. Sidcup legend Danny Mizen said in his post-game comments that the skill shown on the mic by this individual arguably turned out to be the difference between the two teams.

The game started with vim and vigour, with both teams targeting this as a must win game. Finding quick ball allowed Sidcup’s fly half Jack Dutton to play flat and put Sidcup’s second row Josh Twyford on hard running lines into the opposition midfield, yet Towcester held firm, believing they had weathered the early storm. Aha, wrong! The man who showed Elliot Daly and Marland Yarde how to play rugby, star hooker Charlie Hopkins, held so many of the Towcester defenders attention that Captain John West was able to show-and-go and dive over the line in that such imitable fashion. Twyford added the extras, the stands were buzzing and it seemed as though it would be a coronation rather than a hard fought win for the Sidcup serpents. However, through pressure in the scrum Towcester worked their way back into the game, resulting in two pushover tries! Out of nowhere, Sidcup were down to 14 men and scrapping just to stay in the game. The half time whistle was a welcome chance to regroup and lay out some wicked plans to wrestle back the initiative.

The second half began with Sidcup again upping the tempo and blasting into contact. Billy Williams’ hangover had dissipated during the interval and he was ready to go through Towcester defenders like he usually does pints of cold lager in the Porterhouse, until an untimely injury cut his day short. Sidcup camped in the Towcester 22 but still seemed unable to make a breakthrough. Perhaps drawing on his family’s love and chequered history with the popular Harry Potter novels, Louis Keeley temporarily suspended his eternal bitterness about his past badge ban and weaved a magic spell to score in the corner. By this point, Scotty “The Mean Machine” McClean was let off the chain by the Sidcup coaching team and busied himself with scrapping “with any countryside boy who wants it, can get it” and using his experience to get the Sidcup scrum moving forwards again. Keeley again proved a lethal finisher to make the score more comfortable and another classic Westy score had spectators of all genders, race and backgrounds aroused and hot under the collar, but still Sidcup could not break away from their foe. Towcester responded with a last throw of the dice, scoring a try and bringing their own tally to seventeen, preparing them for one last effort. However, the door was shut in their face by the Sidcup wolfpack, led by 100 capper J7 aka JT aka The Europhile Babe Magnet, who began chopping Towcester knee caps like a flying ironing board on amphetamines. There are rumours circulating that he may be retiring from headbutting people’s shins to have a crack at the movie business, so let’s enjoy him while he’s here.

One person who was not so keen to pay homage to the man of the moment was younger sibling Dan Thomas, who made good on his proud, pre-game threat to “sh*t all over my over-rated brother’s day” with a brace of brisk, neat finishes. The wind had left the Towcester sails and the only response they had left was to attempt to brutally assault scrum half Ben Ibrahim, who should be proud of his restraint and calm even as he was beaten mercilessly and did absolutely nothing wrong. The final whistle came and Sidcup could wearily raise their arms in victory. Sidcup 37- Towcester 17. Let us hope that winning once again becomes a habit for the Sidcup Rugby Club and the win against Towcester was the spring board which sparked that change.