so to the big one….The VETS CUP FINAL

After many seasons of no VETS due to Thamir being useless, Luke “2 times gym a day” Drury decided it was now time for him to step up and lead the mighty VETS

Like with all good leaders he knew the first thing he needed to do was build a strong team around him to support him and agree to everything he said - first and only call was to everyone’s favourite grump, “rag n bone man” Richard Roddis - when Luke called him Rich’s response was “I will as long as the first team don’t need me!” (they didnt)

You know what follows next………..every time you bumped into either Luke or Rich you were agreeing to play for the mighty vets - even if you had no intention of playing!!

So after a season that saw them win all 4 pool games - they were down to meet Cranbrook in the final

The big day arrived…….the main talking point wasn’t:
Luke’s controversial selection - I would have picked Jimi all day long
It wasn't both Nick Gilbert and Dave Driscoll pulling out due to………..(If this write up had sound it would now make a whipping noise)
It wasn't that Richard Evans pulled out because he pulled his hammy on a bouncy castle the week before
It wasn't even that after 400 blue ticked messages for the last 5 years, Callum Thompson made his return to the #rangers…..take note Jamie Culter....
Nope, it was Captain Luke Drury’s very very questionable choice of belt (see picture attached)

So off to Maidstone in the funbus

The players went off to warm-up, Colin suggested a session he had put together the night before…………everyone laughed, then spent the next 60 minutes walking away from him

While this was happening the travelling support started a game of cat and mouse….basically walking the opposite way to which Fraser Smith was going.

Messrs Healey & Keeley (that rhymes!!) tried the local food….while also hiding in the tent away from Fraser.......

Spencer Bennett arrived…looking a little confused…..only remembering at full time he was meant to be watching his son play football, not go and watch a rugby game……..

Slouchy was there in full Sevenoaks supporter kit.........

Zed was there…..still laughing at the joke he made the night before about not having an ego anymore…..that was funny

Burky couldn't make it as a fox had eaten his polo…..

The man, the myth, the legend that is BIG DICKIE DAY appeared through a puff of smoke….due to him having a cigarette in both hands - side note rumour has it John Sullivan got the character of Tony Driscoll from Only Fools and Horses after bumping into BIG DICKIE in a cafe in deep South London

Dickie arrived asking “right where are these soft P***ks”, only to be told Gilbert Driscoll and Three Hairs (is it still three hairs or no hairs?) were not allowed to come

Sidcup enter the pitch…Captain Luke won the toss…although the ref refused Luke’s request to let him wear his questionable belt during the game

The team - in the front row there was Sidcup royalty in Iain Wilson and Shabba Pooley (who was still milking his unexpected return the day before from Rome, where he left his whole family behind just so he could play the VETS final). Joe Bonner made up the three, using this game as his trial for the first team, having heard they will be playing in Regional 1 Central next season…..

In the row was Captain Luke (minus the belt) and Colin.

The back row was made up of the Best Evans - who had a very very heavy day and night before, I know this because he gave me numerous headlocks. JP WEST has much bigger arms than Jon West, and Liam Frondy, who doesn't have big arms

At 9 was Luke Bacon, best 9 of the Bacon brothers? I’m sure they debate that all the time!!. At 10 was Jon Webber, who for the rest of this report will be known as the squeaking butcher.

Callum Thompson and Ricky Roddis made up the centres.

Finally a back three of Ben Taylor, Steve Hancox and Steve Amura - that’s a lot of pace and skill but not much hairlines

So Sidcup v Cranbrook………whistle goes and the squeaking butcher kicks off

The game started at a frantic pace as the physios from both teams had to run on because 4 lads pinged hammies just from hearing the ref’s whistle - Ok this didn't happen - but it could have

Now one issue that seemed to be a common theme in all the VETS matches on the Sunday was this HIGH TACKLE issue…..the refs need to remember us VETS haven’t played in this modern soft rugby era, where things like player welfare and concussions are taken very seriously…..No, we played the game when MEN WERE MEN - We had no physios, no tape - in the medical bag was a bottle of port, tub of Vas, dry sponge and that horse liniment stuff (oh I miss that smell)

Anyway, Cranbrook gave away a pen, the butcher kicked for the corner, from the resulting lineout, Joe Bonner, looking to impress in front of the current first team coach, threw the ball in straight….something not seen since Tom England graced Crescent Farm - Joe Bonner then pushed the maul, then Joe Bonner scored the try,

The butcher converted 7-0 to Sidcup

Cranbrook kicked back to Sidcup, putting the ball perfectly between a sleeping Best Evans, looking rough from the night before and Captain Luke looking around for that belt

Next followed a series of carries from Cranbrook, some pens given away for this HIGH TACKLE rubbish, it all ended with the very tall Cranbrook player finding the Sidcup VETS weak point - Colin’s tackling - to score a try. 7-5 Sidcup

For the rest of the half it was basically all Sidcup, well I say all Sidcup, it was all The Squeaky Butcher. He gets the ball at ten, loads of space outside, calls of “get it to the edge” from the sideline - Edge is the modern rugby word for get the ball to the winger - but no the butcher sees something everyone else missed, he feels the better option is to run into the Cranbrook players, get stripped of the ball….an option he decided to do time and again….at this point Roddis lost his s**&, demanded coach Barry Jackson remove the butcher and bring on the mercurial Mark Watson - If mercurial means slightly bigger, slightly slower with a rather large rump then I have used the correct word…….Barry ignored Roddis

After this, Sidcup had plenty of time on the ball with breaks from Messrs Taylor, Frondy, Evans, Roddis, Thompson - with a lovely chant of Curly Wurly every time the Scottish inside centre made a run

Speed of ball at the breakdown was something not happening in the game, but Luke Bacon was doing his best to give the butcher hospital passes

Oh yea Joe Bonner was everywhere, carrying, hitting rucks, making tackles, gave an inspirational chat, signed a ball for Jake Caple, then rescued a cat stuck in a tree

A note here on Ben Taylor… Now Ben didn't play a huge amount of senior rugby back in the day, apart from the super three’s season, when they won the league, with him dominating. It was funny as he never got spoken about in selection and was only ever announced he was now able to play on a Saturday morning of games. This lad can play, could even say he was the best Taylor brother!!

At this point I realise I haven’t spoken about Iain Wilson….thats because he hasn’t done anything

That’s the half - Sidcup are up but Cranbrook are looking dangerous ball in hand

Coach Barry Jackson delivered the team talk - there was talk of scissors, rolling sleeves up, threading the needle - at this point I thought he had called up Joe Holsgrove, the tailor, to complain about his Vets Jacket not fitting!!

The sideline wondered when coach Bazza would bring on Sutts……

Second half started, Steve Evans awoke, intercepted a ball then ran in from his own 10 metre line, although try as he did looking around hoping a Cranbrook player would chase him down, but no they didn't bother

From the kick off Cranbrook high tackled a Sidcup player, The Butcher decided to tap and go, run into their biggest player, get tackled, didn't “snap” at the hip and present long like he had been telling the first team players to do all season, held on to the ball and gave away a pen

At this point changes were made. BIG LEE came on, now big Lee is BIG & TALL but he also has the softest of hands - he credits this to a lifetime of using Oil of Ulay hand cream. Watson came on at 10

With Watson on the pitch - now we were starting to motor, dummied, sending Roddis through holes, creating gaps for Callum to bosh through, just showing the body might not be as sharp but the mind is still on point

Chris Powell & Chris Neal both came on and did great impressions of Iain Wilson

Joe Levin came on, sprinted like a gazelle, no, like a rampaging lion, ran into one of the Cranbrook players, got yellow carded and ran off again…

Roddis then got yellow carded - from what I can work out Captain Luke had enough of his moaning and asked the ref to do this

At this point there had been no “handbags” in the game, which is almost unheard of in VETS rugby, but not to worry, up stepped Steve Amura……

Steve kicks the ball only to run into the back of a Cranbrook player…..the exchange went like this

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????????? ??????: ??? ??????? ? ??? ?? ???? ?? ???
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?????: ???????? ? ???? ??? ????? ???? ?????? ????, ????? ??? ???? ????

At that point they both shook hands, then gave each other a little rugby tickle

More subs as Rob Manning came on, Sutts came on

I need to mention Colin….It’s in his contract he must be mentioned at least 4 times in any match report - those orange boots are awful - like not even Chris Awful would wear anything that bad

Now we finally come to SHABBA Pooley, the lover, the fighter, still milking that the only reason the first team won the day before was because of his surprise appearance. He gets the ball, steps one, then steps another, does a pirouette, runs head first into a Cranbrook head (size wise was like an Andy Cooney head) then he did the best impression of Bambi on ice seen….since Bambi was on ice!

The final sub came on, Christian McDermott, only for his son Ollie to say “?? ???, ?? ??? ?? ?????? ?? ???? ?? ????? ?? ?? ???? ??????” - Well it was OK Ollie as he also did his best Wilsy impression

The ref finally had enough of Sidcup dominance - so made sure Cranbrook got a final try, also helped by Sutts very interesting tackle technique - standing bolt upright only for the tall Cranbrook player to push him back, with Sutts rolling down the Maidstone Mote, past the changing rooms, finishing dead on the cricket square thing!

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Now I need to be honest, I’m not too sure how factually correct a lot of the above is because I had to spend the whole game running away from drunk Fraser Smith

BUT what is factually correct:
•⁠ ⁠Cranbrook were great opposition
•⁠ ⁠Maidstone put on a brilliant tournament, the whole day flowing well, set up was spot on, food was cracking
•⁠ ⁠Refs were great

Luke lifted the trophy - although was refused his request for the microphone - the crowd roared, the players celebrated

A Funbus trip back to the club, where barman (and son of John) Luke was doing a great impression of his dad - beers were drunk, stories were told, songs were sung……bloody love rugby

Luke Drury and Richard Roddis have done a brilliant job getting the VET’s going again
Bazza did a great job coaching the players
Shout out to Jen who supported dealing with the admin, bringing beers and lots of medical supplies
Well done to Pete and Nathan the physios - now that’s a tough job

Final words about Steve Hancox - who played his final rugby game on Sunday at 56 years old (and battered). Steve has been an unbelievable player to Sidcup and the game of rugby, even this season stepping in to play for the 4th team, winning player of the match. Steve you are a legend

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